It is that time of the year. The corn is high and filled out, and the raccoons and deer have not devastated it yet. Green beans are producing more than I ever want to eat. My zucchini is doing what it normally does, nothing. I may be the only person in the world who can’t grow zucchini. I have had six plants produce exactly five zucchini squash. The tomatoes were put in late and I’m still waiting for my first BLT with a home-grown tomato.
Butter beans need to be picked and the flying, biting, stinging critters are so thick you “can’t stir ‘em with a stick”. The thick, moist air is suddenly filled with a droning and it’s not a passing motorcycle or airplane. The big-bodied hornet drones by, ignoring me this time, but I am reminded of a time when I was not so lucky…and neither was the church bus.
Buck Nekked in the Bean Patch…With Apologies to the Church Bus
My apologies. There are times when it is okay to show your naked, lily-white derriere. Taking a bath or shower, weighing oneself, sleeping in the buff, skinny dippin’, or participating in faire l’amour…which I guess the last two or three could be related.
I would say, unless you are in a nudist colony, baring your butt outdoors in your bean patch ain’t one of those times. ‘Specially if your bean patch is adjacent to a well-traveled highway.
My apologies are for the three carloads of ‘tourons’ and the loaded church bus passing by while I was attempting to get out of my shorts and skivvies. My intent was to run and get behind my small stand of raccoon ravaged corn before I actually stripped.
I was em-bare-assed because it is hard to get out of your shorts if you are not trying to get out of your boots first. There just wasn’t time and I didn’t quite make it.
I was em-bare-assed because there were no cheers emanating from any of those vehicles as I displayed my butt and other body parts. I guess it could have been the shock.
I was also em-bare-assed by the face and head plant into the crooked necked squash plants when my boots became tangled in my shorts. It could have been worse; the cops could have shown up or the bus might have wreaked.
In a previous post, I admitted weed-eating while wearing shorts because I found myself to be less susceptible to multiple yellow jacket stings that way. Well…to be honest I wear shorts all the time this time of year unless I am picking blackberries or raspberries.
One of the devil’s stinging minions decided my pant leg would be a great place to fly up and into. Note to self, when wearing shorts and working in the garden, choose jockey style underwear and not boxer style. With the little bastard zeroing in on my soft inner thigh, just under my dangling body parts, one might understand why I was not too concerned with em-bare-assing myself.
Sometime later, as I was readjusted my clothes and inspected body parts behind the stand of corn, I remembered a childhood experience. At a young age, four or five, I had followed my grandmother into her garden. As I did whatever four or five-year-old children do, I noticed my grandmother’s movements suddenly becoming reminiscent of a body being possessed by some devilish spirit.
Her gyrations were quite violent and featured a lot of slapping and yelling. Suddenly, to my surprise, she began stripping off her feed sack dress in the attempt to rid herself of what we called a Russian hornet. It had flown up her dress and was in attack mode. Her revelations did not scar me for life, but I was momentarily struck blind by her whiteness. “Them” body parts ain’t never, ever seen the light of day.
Oh well, in case you were wondering, I avoided major injury or a hornet sting to my physical person. I do not know how but assume the Lord took mercy upon my bare assed, lily-white soul.
My pride might have been damaged a bit…and I do not think some of the crooked neck squash plants will recover…hope the folks on the church bus survive without any major mental distress.
The original Buck Nekkid in the Bean Patch is contained within the book “Cornfields…in my mind” which may be purchased in paperback or ebook at https://www.amazon.com/Cornfields-My-Mind-Don-Miller/dp/1980783926.
The image is not of my bean patch, it would have been better if it was, I could have hidden behind it. The image is from http://fxcuisine.com/default.asp?language=2&Display=265&resolution=high
Don Miller’s author’s page may be found at https://www.amazon.com/Don-Miller/e/B018IT38GM?fbclid=IwAR2xCJfJ2g8EJ67nGS7i5lqp0QZqicUuyk0rNLM0jkfbhMdhUCie0ws0p_M