FLOPPY PARTS…DEJA VU

STUPID! STUPID! STUPID! I wrote a book, my second attempt at writing badly, about the “wringers” men catch their floppy parts in…well, for the sake of truth, the “wringers” I catch my floppy parts in. Note: Present tense, plural.

The book was entitled, “Floppy Parts” and didn’t just deal with interpersonal relations but sometimes those relationships are just as painful as any hard shot to the “nads.” You’d think a man with my advanced level of seasoning would have a clue…but no I don’t. Not even close. If male-female interpersonal relationships were a course, I would be failing badly.

According to a blog I just read it takes, and I quote, “a guy up to three weeks to process and understand what is happening on the emotional level of his life.” Really? I would have thought longer…if ever. Maybe I should just wait and check in later, say a month? No I won’t remember it in a month which brings me to my present wringer.

When she makes me mad, I brood, or as my beloved reminds me, I pout. Yeah, I do. I run my lower lip out and I feel sorry for myself…for a couple of hours, allowing it to percolate, and then I blow up. BOOM! And it’s over. I’m good, got it all out, over with, airs cleared, except it’s not. It’s a false sense of wellbeing. “A dead pig smiling in the sunshine” kind of false wellbeing.
My beloved is going to allow my faux pas to marinade for three weeks or so. She’s going to allow it to eat at her and break down into its most basic and primal fractions…you know…like anger. She doesn’t brood, she plots…SHE GETS EVEN!

Three weeks later she has all the symptoms of a woman with a bee in her bonnet. Later I ask, “Honey, what’s wrong?” Later I will ask again…and again.
“Nothing,” says she, again and again. That is her code for I’m pissed but I’m not going to warn you before “comin’ off yo head!”
Eventually she does, “Do you remember three weeks ago when….” Hell no! I don’t remember what I had for supper yesterday…but she will remind me and it will not be as delicious as whatever I had for supper yesterday even if I had a dog poop sandwich.

Like last night. I’m not going to say what minor thing I did but it sent her to bed mad and I brooded from my d@#$ recliner well into the night. It percolated in my dreams. It interrupted my sleep. I awoke sore, too early, and “IT” was the first thing on my mind. I had a couple of hours of darkness to allow myself to brood.

Decision time. Okay, I’m good. I’m going to take the high road, take her morning coffee, and absorb my beating like a man…whenever it comes. Today, next week, a month from now, the year 2020.

What did you just say? You’re sorry? It was all your fault? What kind of black magic is this? Did space aliens kidnap my beloved during the night? I know what you are doing. You are going to keep me walking on egg shells until I forget about it and then, and only then, you will alight upon me like bottle flies on cow poop. But what if she is telling the truth, something she always does…Oh God, my floppies are in the wringer again.

Don Miller writes “memories.” If you enjoyed this short essay, more may be purchased or downloaded at https://goo.gl/pL9bpP

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WITH APPOLOGIES TO AN EX

To quote coaching chum Duke Fisher, “Well Miller, you have stepped on your d@#$ again.” Yep, I fully admit to it and I am sorry.

I have a bad habit of trying to be funny. The bad habit is, despite my attempts, sometimes I am not at all funny…and sometimes I may hurt people’s feelings along the way. I don’t always feel regret when I hurt people’s feelings, those who I THINK deserve it, but I feel great regret when I say things without thinking them through and hurting people who don’t deserve it.

I wrote a teaser to advertise one of my books and included a “whimsical shot” at my ex. It was nothing more than an attempt to sell a book or fifteen and to be humorous. It would appear that I have failed on both counts. “Which ex do you ask?” For those of you who don’t know, I am not proud to announce, “I have two ex-wives.” I am also not proud to announce, “It was probably, mostly, my fault that I have two ex-wives.” I can give all types of excuses but in all honesty the bottom line is, “I was an immature jerk.” I also believe there is a “universal” plan in effect and that, for at least one of us, having exes was a good, if selfish, thing. I have managed to find the third time charm. I just celebrated my thirtieth anniversary with Linda Gail. This one might work out but I am taking no chances.

Both of my exes are fine people who have gone on with their lives…amazingly without me. The mother of my child did a wonderful job of raising our daughter into a woman and mother in her own right, that we both can be proud of, and with very little input from me. She did it while pursuing a career and maintaining her own household.

My teaser informed my possible readers that “If I ever need a heart transplant, I’d want my ex’s. It’s never been used.” It is just a teaser. Both of my exes are retired educators. That should tell you all you need to know about their hearts. Again, so sorry for my faux pas. You should realize how sorry I am since I used the little puppy dog meme. I promise never to attempt to use humor at your expense again.

I do have one request Facebook friends. Can we keep this between the thousand or so of you and me. Linda Gail already knows how stupid I can be.

However, if you wish to read more of my unique humor try clicking on http://goo.gl/lomuQf