In honor of World Naked Gardening Day, a short story of semi-nakedly “tripping the light fantastic.”
My apologies. There are times when it’s okay to show one’s naked, blindingly bright derriere…well, my blindingly bright derriere. Taking a bath or shower, weighing oneself, sleeping in the buff, skinny dippin’ or faire l’amour…I guess the last two or three could be related. You’ll notice gardening wasn’t on my list because Southern gardens ain’t a good place to be naked.
I would say, unless you are in a nudist colony, baring your butt outdoors in your bean patch should be avoided. ‘Specially if your bean patch is adjacent to a well-traveled highway during the height of mosquito season.
I should point out, here in the South, we have some three gazillion forms of stinging or biting insects just looking for the chance to attack a warm, yeasty area of the body. We have another gazillion insects that are just downright irritating even if they don’t sting.
I digress, back to my point. My apologies are for the three carloads of folk and the loaded church bus passing by while I was trying to get out of my shorts and skivvies. My intent was to run and get behind my small stand of raccoon ravaged corn. Best laid plans and all.
I was embarrassed because it’s hard to get out of your shorts if you’re not trying to get out of your boots first and I just didn’t have the time. I was embarrassed because there were no cheers emanating from any those vehicles as I displayed my butt and other body parts. I guess it could have been the shock.
I was also embarrassed by the face and head plant into the stand of crooked necked squash plants when my boots became tangled in my shorts. It could have been worse; the cops could have shown up.
Why was I trying to get out of my shorts and underwear one might ask? I promise yea shall be enlightened.
In a previous post, I admitted to weed-eating while wearing shorts because I found myself to be less susceptible to multiple yellow jacket stings that way. Well…to be honest I wear shorts all the time this time of year unless I am picking blackberries or raspberries. I have found yellow jackets to be the meanest of God’s stinging minions and can’t really understand why they were allowed on Noah’s Ark. They’ll sting you just for the sheer joy of it.
One of the devil’s stinging minions decided my pant’s leg would be a great place to fly up and into. Note to self, when wearing shorts choose jockey style underwear and not boxer style. With the little bastard zeroing in on my soft inner thigh, just under my danglys, one might understand why I wasn’t too concerned about embarrassing myself in front of a church bus full of passengers.
Oh well, in case you were wondering, I avoided major injury or a hornet sting to my physical person. I think the little devil was laughing too hard to sting me. My pride might have suffered just a bit…and I don’t think some of my crooked neck squash plants will survive…hope the folks on the church bus do. I’m sure they might have been blinded by the glare.
Hope y’all enjoy World Naked Gardening Day…me? I’m staying out of the garden today.
This is an excerpt from the book “Cornfields…in my mind” and the book may be downloaded or purchased at https://www.amazon.com/Don-Miller/e/B018IT38GM
Image from CNN Entertainment