One of the reasons I write is due to my depression…it helps give me relief…EXCEPT FOR RIGHT NOW! Normally writing gives me insights into the broken kaleidoscope that is my mind. For some reason, it ain’t happnin’. I find myself in a conundrum? I write to offset my effects of my depression, yet I’m unable to write or rather finish my writing, because of my depression. Did I mention I’m tired of winter? The days are lengthening. Hey look, there is a spider on the window sill. Is that Aretha playing…the Godmother of Soul? I smell peanut butter. Wow, it’s colder than owl sh!#.
See the problem? I can’t hold a thought. Its as if my thoughts are sliding down an iced-over driveway in flat bottom leather soled shoes. It took twelve minutes to write twenty-seven words…and as I reread, not very good words. That’s slightly more than two words a minute…correct? My math skills have all ways been suspect…I did calculate last night’s tip in my head…sh!# I did it again!
I have three “novels” in the can…except I can’t finish them. I guess that means there really not in the can…STOP IT! If I were talking to you and I said that I had three novels, I would have probably used air quotes…”Novels.” Writers go through stages. I’m in the “Your writing sucks” stage of being. I don’t know if it’s because of my depression or is it because my writing “sucks”. Last week I was thinking, one of these is going to be the breakthrough. The great American novel. What happened?
Occasionally I’m introduced as “the author.” This is usually by caring family members who say it with misplaced pride or those who are attempting to make me feel worthwhile. I always counter with, no I’m the writer because I think authors must actually sell their books to be considered an author. I keep telling myself I’m not writing for the money, a good thing because I’m not making any. I’m not writing for the gratification I receive from the adulation of my adoring fans, also a good thing. Why the f@#$ am I writing? Look! There’s a…STOP IT!
Wow! “The Rantings of a Fractured Mind?” That might make a good title…I did it again…For those of you who think depression is being a little blue, it’s not even close. I could stand being blue, it’s the broken kaleidoscope of my mind. No matter how much I twist it, the patterns don’t quite fit together and there is nothing I can do except wait until it passes…if it passes. The fear of it being permanent is always there.
Hey, sorry! I’m Donnie Downer this morning. As I hit “Publish” I hope my depression will fly off into cyberspace with it. Have yourself a great day.
Image from Marion Paul Bruin, the Kaleidoscope King at https://www.pinterest.de/pin/118852877642184769/?lp=true
For some of my “more” lucid thoughts try my writer’s page at https://www.amazon.com/Don-Miller/e/B018IT38GM