I don’t know why I’m thinking in my womanly, Southern voice, “Nevahhhhhhhh Endin’ Loop.” Elongated syllables and soft gees. It is about my lack of sleep or the Southern character I’m trying to write. My night was like the opening lines of a famous novel…”It was the best of nights, it was the worst of nights,” from A Tale of Two Darknesses.
I slept hard for four hours…and then awoke with a mind that simply refused to turn off. Negative thoughts chased one another like wolves chasing the sheep I counted as I tried to get back to sleep. I finally tried to write…and failed to write. A loop of gloomy, bleak and fatalistic thoughts flicker like old black and white movies from a nickelodeon kept getting in the way.
Because I’m fragmented…History lesson alert! A nickelodeon NOT Nickelodeon. Many of you may be unaware that back in the day, there were motion picture machines found in storefronts called nickelodeons. In the middle of the first decade of the 1900s, for a nickel, you could watch silent shorts or “peep shows” of people sneezing, silent vaudeville acts and women taking their clothes off. This was before VHS, smart cards, flash drives, streaming, satellite TV and Pornhub.
Images were imprinted on “a strip or sheet of transparent plastic film base coated on one side with a gelatin emulsion containing microscopically small light-sensitive silver halide crystals” and ran as a film loop over a hand-cranked projector.
The loop continued to repeat as long as you desired to crank. Thank you, Wikipedia. No, I have no idea what I quoted means…magic maybe! Exactly how did that image of a Victorian lady taking off her clothes get on to film? Research to come.
At three in the morning my mind decided, on its own, to begin running an imaginary film loop of everything that was bothering me, ovah, and ovah, and ovah again. A never-ending, mental, horror movie loop of sick and blind puppies, aging puppy parents not able to take care of themselves much less their puppies. A friend who had emergency bypass surgery, home, and yard work that must be done, a tractor that does not run like a Deere, and two vehicles with over four hundred thousand miles combined with strange noises emanating from them. Worse is my total lack of motivation to do anything other than sleep…except I can’t…even…sleep. I have presents to deliver to my grandchildren…from Valentine’s Day. Ah sweet depression, a depression by any other name is still a depression.
Can you be losing the battle if you are worrying you are losing the battle? Did that make sense? Probably not to anyone other than me.
It is late-morning now. A gloomy mid-morning that matches my mood. I walked in the sleet until I said ‘Oh Fudgenuts’ and went home. Not because I was cold, I was. Not because sharp, minute chunks of ice were hitting me in the face, they were. Not because the weather gurus had missed the forecast, they had. I could have overcome all that. It is the never-ending loop running in my head…never quite ending and adding frames as it continues along. Now I’m watching the sleet bounce off my metal roof. The sleet is not helping me end the loop nor is writing this. Wait…I just yawned…maybe a nap? Ah, sweet silence.
For other musings, https://www.amazon.com/Don-Miller/e/B018IT38GM
The image is from https://www.britannica.com/technology/projector/media/478521/95460