Struggling writer…that’s me. I really enjoy, metaphorically, taking pen in hand and putting my thoughts to paper. Well, taking fingers to keyboard…I even have sounds imitating the old Royal I used in Mrs. Leopart’s typing class way back in the day. Good thing I have a retirement to fall back on because while I am writing, I’m not selling…a thought, which caused my literary train to begin to run off my tracks.
A year or so ago, I decided I would use what had once been a fertile imagination to write historical fiction. I wrote, I published, but I’m still not selling…much. While I write for me, I WOULD like to sell occasionally just to know “There are people out there” and maybe that my writing ain’t that bad. On a day I was feeling particularly vulnerable, I mentioned this to a friend and former student, Lynn Cooper. She is also a writer…an author who began as a writer of children’s books and transitioned to erotic romance literature.
Erotic romance is not an easy subject to discuss with a former, female student…one I remember as a pretty, well put together brunette who sat in the front right of my classroom. She was quite memorable. I also haven’t seen her in twenty-five years so it’s all I have to go on.
I asked her, “You write quite well whatever your genre, but why the move to erotic literature?”
She answered simply, “I’m trying to make a living.” Hum, it seems smut sells and hers is high-quality smut, well-written smut…it is actually well written, blazing hot romance literature. I admit I have read her novellas…for educational value, wink, wink.
She suggested I might give it a try…writing romance. “Maybe you should try to express your romantic side.” I imagined her dark brown eyes, lashes fluttering…and a mocking grin on her face.
It was an interesting thought, one I almost immediately dismissed…almost dismissed. Then I didn’t. I wrote a contemporary romance with just a bit of…(gulp) eroticism. A novella with not one but two sultry heroines, both of whom, I fell in love with. A bit of adventure, a little of the paranormal and some moments of “dirty mommy porn.” Is that redundant? I was proud of my accomplishment…until my wife commented. “What in the hell do you know about romance?” I gotta do better on the home front.
Olivia sorta sold, a few here, a few there. Some very good comments from those who read it until one reader pointed out, “An old, balding guy with a beard writing mommy porn? Creepy.” Was I creepy? Please imagine a metallic rattle as my locomotive begins to derail. I should have simply replied, “Creepy? You bought it.”
I will not be deterred! If writing porn was good enough for Stephen King, it is good enough for me! But I decided to create a nom de plume…nom de guerre…I don’t know which. A pseudonym, an alter-ego. BUT I HAD TO GO THE WHOLE HOG! This was despite a suggestion of caution from my mentor, Lynn. The rattles of my locomotive have been joined by bangs and clanks.
Why not create a whole new persona.? One that is not creepy. A young female, blond and beautiful. A transplant from President Trump’s favorite country, Norway, now living somewhere on the Gulf Coast. Lusty and sultry. herself, with cornsilk hair and sky blue eyes..its a completely fake author bio. Maybe I am creepy.
I created social media pages…even an author’s page. Remember, Don must devour the whole hog. I purchased the copyright for a picture of a sweet and pouty young woman to grace her different media sites and book covers. I gave her a name. Then I really went to work. Rattle, rattle, bang, bang went the train. I rewrote and rereleased Olivia under the name of Lena Christenson, my new pen name. My new feminine side.
I HAVEN’T SOLD A COPY SINCE I DID IT! “Hold her Newt, we’re headed for the pea patch.”
No, I haven’t sold a copy, but I have received three messages requesting “hook-ups” and today received a message from an Eastern European gentleman by the name of Yusif Tunar professing undying love and a proposal of matrimony…if I wire him airfare and traveling money. The attached photograph shows he is quite dashing looking. Dark and robust, six-pack abs covered in thick curly hair and Popeye forearms. Biceps that can crack walnuts. What’s next? Penis pictures? I don’t know whether to end the charade or “continue” to play them along. Hum…If I play them along I may learn something. Rattle, bang, crash!
If you are interested you can find Lena’s books at https://www.amazon.com/-/e/B07B6BDD19
If you are really interested in good “mommy porn”, you can find Lynn’s books at https://www.facebook.com/Lynn-Cooper-Writes-Romances-386005534933638/
Oh, I almost forgot. Don Miller’s books may be accessed at https://www.amazon.com/Don-Miller/e/B018IT38GM. They are downloadable or available in paperback.
[Photo Credit: Bettmann/Getty Images]