An early morning thunderstorm has jarred me out of a sound sleep. Sleeping soundly is unusual for me lately. My sleep seems pain-filled, both from arthritis making its presence know if I lay in one position too long and from the dreams tormenting my mind. Don’t feel too much concern and it’s not the point of this post. Compared to many of my friends and family my age, physically I’m doing quite well.
The dreams…the dreams are due to my fragmented mind, torn asunder by depression and anxiety. Some chemical in my brain has gone wacko, taking the rest of me with it. I now reside in the state of “South Wacko-Laki” just across the river from “A-Kook-Among-Us.”
Could it have been triggered by diet; the sausage biscuits I should ‘never’ eat, the bee sting or a thousand other triggers that may or may not be the reason? God how I hate asking, “Why?” Maybe it’s just getting old. Maybe there is no reason. It is what it is…I hate ‘it is what it is’ too.
Anxiety is a new adversary while the depression an old enemy. I have too much going on, too many things I need to be doing. Plenty to be anxious about…but I’m retired, I have plenty of time to go forth and be productive…NOT.
My retirement has taught me one life lesson. I am not a very good steward of my own time. My lack of self-discipline explains why I’m failing in my early morning attempts at writing while simultaneously NOT really watching a rerun of Bobby Flay, staring at my computer screen wondering where my last thought came from or went to, all the while worrying about the lightning, thunder, and rain washing away my plans for the day. What plans?
A checklist…that’s what I need. Little square boxes to check as I complete small tasks. I wonder how many trees would have to give their lives to create my checklist. Okay, a few easy things to begin with like “Just get out of bed!” Sometimes, even that is not easy. “Walk three miles.” Why has my walking become so much harder? Not physically…MENTALLY!
A harder one, “Stay away from social media!” Scrolling through Twitter or Facebook along with WordPress fits nicely with my fragmented mind…and probably contributes…not probably. I can’t totally stay away because I use social platforms to advertise my books to people who are NOT buying them. I must come up with a better plan. Maybe write something people WANT to buy? Purchase an advertising service? Quit entirely?
I have four stories I should be working on. Should be an indication of how fragmented my dried up gourd of a head is. If I shake my gourd does it rattle with dried seeds? The seeds are not germinating, I can’t finish the stories. I’ve reached a point in each…a barrier of some sort. I can imagine the end but can’t quite find the rain-shrouded path to take me there.
Maybe a hiatus is in order. Something to recharge my over-used but underutilized brain. Go hide in a dark cave for a while…no, I’m already in a cave it seems, and the light from the computer screen doesn’t seem to be the light at the end of the tunnel.
Buffett’s lyrics echo in my fragmented head, “but I got to stop wishing, got to go fishing, down to rock bottom again.” Could it be as simple? Well, wishin’ sure ain’t gettin’ it done! Fishing…maybe. Probably should wait until the storms pass or maybe just embrace being at rock bottom in the state of “South Wacko-Laki.”
For a saner Don Miller, one should probably go to https://www.amazon.com/default/e/B018IT38GM?redirectedFromKindleDbs=true
If interested in “Mommy Porn” with a twist, you might also consider Lena Christenson at https://www.amazon.com/default/e/B07B6BDD19?redirectedFromKindleDbs=true
The image is from “Rule the Wasteland” http://rulethewasteland.com/?page_id=28